


Love Me Not, Love You Not (If Only You Were Mine

by jiaseda



Series: Maybe with Time (Iwaoi) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Based on a Melanie Martinez Song, Break Up, Lack of Communication, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, One-sided Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Out of Character, Out of Character Iwaizumi Hajime, POV Oikawa Tooru, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Omniscient, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Pre-Time Skip, Sad Ending, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Song Lyrics, Songfic, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unrequited Love, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiaseda/pseuds/jiaseda
Summary: Tooru loves Hajime. Well, he’s always known that. It’s part of the reason this whole thing started. So he could selfishly have what he wanted despite knowing that Iwa doesn’t feel the same. Now he’s thinking about the tenderness and he’s realizing.... it’s not tender as he’s making it out to be.Iwaoi angst based on “Cake” by Melanie Martinez
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Maybe with Time (Iwaoi) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143593
Kudos: 15





	1. The Romanticization & Realization of the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know why I wrote this. No, I literally don’t know. I hate angst and Iwaoi is one of my comfort ships. 
> 
> Oh also I did Iwaizumi dirty because idk how to write him !! Please feel free to give me tips I need help
> 
> Chapter 1 has been majorly edited from its original.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things between them are so sweet.
> 
> Or maybe it’s not what he’s making out to be.

_Your skin is warm like an oven, your kiss is sugary sweet_

Tooru is thinking about his trysts with Hajime. In those such as these, he is warm. When they’re pressed together and kissing, there’s this sweet sugar rush that Tooru gets from Hajime that makes him feel like warm honey.

_Your fingers feel like cotton when you put your arms around me_

Hajime is so kind, so tender. It contrasts to how he usually is with Oikawa. Light gentle touches, loving looks and firm warm arms holding him. There’s this intimacy before and during. Right now, that’s all Tooru is thinking about.

_I feel like I'm just missing something whenever you leave_

When their trysts are over, wherever they happen, Tooru feels an emptiness afterwards from the separation. Sue him, he’s clingy. He always has been.   
Hajime... he’s always so quick to leave isn’t he? _“He’s just busy,”_ Tooru tells himself. _“It’s to be expected in our third year.”  
_Tooru went from thinking about their meetings to thinking about the after effects; the more he thinks the more he realizes...

_You've got all the ingredients except you loving me_

Tooru _loves_ Hajime. He’s in love with him. Well, he’s always known that. It’s part of the reason this whole thing started; he could selfishly have what he wanted despite knowing that Hajime doesn’t feel the same.  
Now he’s thinking about the tenderness and he’s realizing.... it’s not loving as he’d been previously thought because the fact of the matter is, _Hajime doesn’t love him._ Not the way Tooru loves him. Maybe as a best friend, but not anything more.   
No, Hajime’s acts are fueled by lust. Pure lust. In reality, Iwaizumi’s not kind or tender. He’s as abrasive and aggressive as he normally is. Light touches are bruising grips and those loving looks are lustful, hungry stares. He’d been letting his emotions cloud what’s actually happening and now he’s realizing these aren’t trysts. They aren’t lovers. There’s no love here, not mutual love anyways. These are hook ups. There’s no romantic attraction involved, it’s just physical attraction and hormones. That’s all it is.

Hajime doesn’t love him. That’s simply not how it is.

_And respectfully…_

He doesn’t love him. Okay. _Fine_ . Oikawa’s thinking to himself, _” ~~Maybe~~ I deserve better than is. ~~Maybe~~ I’m worth more than this.” _

_I'm not a piece of cake for you to just discard_

Between these ~~trysts~~ hook-ups ( _”Call them what they are.”_ _He tells himself_ ), ~~Hajime~~ Iwaizumi keeps a stone face and apathetic tone. He acts indifferent or with disdain and it cuts Oikawa. Iwaizumi’s so quick to leave. Yeah it’s their third year and they’re busy but he doesn’t even spare him a glance most of the time. The one time he did, Iwaizumi looked regretful and ashamed. ~~_Maybe even disgusted._~~ Oikawa feels– to put it plainly– discarded. Yet, they do it again and again, don’t they? Iwaizumi comes back each time. It makes him feel like a a slice of cake that he’s repulsed by, but feels inclined to finish.

_While you walk away with the frosting of my heart_

Every time they meet, it tears and chips Oikawa’s heart. He gains nothing but a very temporary, almost nonexistent, satisfaction and then comes the feeling being used and everything else he’s avoiding. Every time he steps away having lost more dignity while Iwaizumi walks away unaffected and with more that he takes from Oikawa. Going back to his stupid cake metaphor, the only thing that keeps him going back to finishing his slice is the frosting, it’s sweet and maybe the only good thing about it while the cake is horrendous. To put it bluntly, the sex, and them being childhood best friends, is the only thing keeping Iwaizumi around. Lord knows everything else about him is terrible, right?

_So I'm taking back what's mine,_

Oikawa decides to put his foot down. He’s gonna take back his heart and dignity by ending these hook-ups. He’s not gonna let it happen anymore. Tooru’s aware he deserves more and he’s worth more and so he’s gonna get more, just... not from who he’s like. “Beggars can’t be choosers,” one might think. That’s the thing about him though.

Oikawa Tooru is no beggar.

_You'll miss the slice of heaven that I gave to you last night_

This whole train of thought was triggered by him thinking of their last hook up that had taken place the previous night. It’s fine though, really. Frankly, he doesn’t think Iwaizumi can do better than him, so he’ll miss it.

(He’s painfully aware he’s not the best and that Iwaizumi most definitely can do better. He’s not even sure if he’ll miss it because there are better options. Really he’s wondering _“why me?”_ in the first place. _”Am i easy because we’ve been friends since we were kids? Was I the safe option? Maybe our friendship didn’t mean enough and that’s why he risked it? Or he could sense my feelings and just didn’t care?”_ Any option is awful, really.)

* * *

_You smell just like vanilla, you taste like buttercream_

What can he say? He’s always been weak when it comes to Iwaizumi.

He’d completely intended to end this whole thing and his resolve had been firm for the past couple of days but one thing led to the other and here he is again. Alone in his room. After another hook up. _“Fuck. This isn’t what was supposed to happen,”_ he thinks to himself as he begins to clean up physically and mentally. His mind feels painfully full of cotton as he slowly gets up to take a shower and change his bedding. Everything he’d felt the previous days since he pulled his head out from the clouds is amplified and he’s feeling worse. For a moment though... he relishes in what happened. Let’s himself find bliss in foolish indulgence. Iwaizumi smelled like vanilla and the taste of buttercream body wash lingered on his tongue.

_You're filling up my senses with empty calories_

He really isn’t sure how it all happened actually. Iwaizumi kinda has that effect on him. Everything had been so foggy right up to the moment that Tooru had heard his bedroom door close.

_I feel like I'm just missing something whenever you leave_

He hated it. He felt helpless. How was he supposed to get this done. How was he supposed to end this when he can’t tell where these moments start and end? He decides to continue his thinking as he cleans up.

_You've got all the ingredients except you needing me_

Tooru’s always needed Iwaizumi.

That’s how it’s been their whole life even if he hadn’t always been aware of it. Iwaizumi has taken care of Oikawa constantly; telling him to not over work himself and reminding him he’s worth more than he thinks he is, just being a few examples. Oikawa probably would have driven himself into the ground by now otherwise.

Yes. He needs Iwaizumi. He’s sure of that.

The more he thinks about it, Iwaizumi gives a lot. Tooru takes an awful lot. He wonders... what does he give back? Being a setter? Anyone else can be Iwa-Chan’s setter even if he can set best for him. He realizes....

Iwaizumi never really needed him. “Maybe he has?” Oikawa wonders aloud.

_”No. He hasn’t.”_

He doesn’t get much rest that night.


	2. The Closing of a One-Sided Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time the two of them talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !! In this chapter when the song lyrics are in bold, that’s Oikawa speaking !!
> 
> I’d also like to apologize beforehand if I wrote Iwaizumi ooc. I’m still learning how to write him and also for plot purposes i kinda needed to

The clouds are dark gray the day Oikawa asks Iwaizumi to meet him at a park neither frequent between either of their homes or school. He finds a twisted amusement in wondering if he subconsciously picked this place as to further separate themselves from their actions and their past.   
As soon as he sees Iwaizumi approaching, his stomach twists. He has to do this now despite not knowing how. He hopes he doesn’t look anxious, but he knows Iwaizumi can tell his smile isn’t a genuine one, so he settles for not meeting his eyes. Once Oikawa has decided the distance between them is closed enough, he speaks before Iwaizumi can greet him.

“We need to talk.” He hopes his voice isn’t shaking but the furrow of Iwaizumi’s brows says otherwise. “It’s about our...” He watches Iwaizumi’s face twist from confusion to understanding back to confusion.   
“Okay. What about it specifically?” His voice is stiff but Tooru appreciates the lack of insults. Looking around the immediate area, he’s relieved to see it’s empty besides them. He breathes before speaking and locks eyes with Iwaizumi.

“We should stop. The whole thing. We need to stop.”

“Why?”

“It’s not working out and I don’t want to anymore.”

“That’s not how it seemed yesterday.” Oikawa hated how Iwaizumi said that in a monotone voice.

“God, you’re so vulgar Iwa-chan.” He let out a strained laugh then grimaced. His stomach and heart were knotting, he didn’t want to let go but it was too late to go back now. “Look, I don’t want to anymore. It’s honestly quite... degrading at this point. Maybe _you’re_ enjoying it and I’m not surprised if you are. I’m not though. Frankly, _Iwaizumi_ we’re both better than this.” Oikawa spoke his name with acid on his tongue and by the looks of it, Hajime felt it. As he started to speak again, he noted it had begun to drizzle, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not right now. He wasn’t going to back out over a little rain. “I’m doing this out of self respect. Clearly I’m the only one that feels something beyond hormones and I'm not gonna pretend that’s not the case anymore. So out of respect for _both_ of us, we’re done with whatever this is. I’m done feeling worse every time you leave.”

He inhaled before speaking again. “And...”

**“So respectfully…”**

“‘So respectfully’ _what_ Oikawa? Why do you get to make the final decisions about this, huh?” Oikawa hadn’t been prepared for Iwaizumi to say anything back. He hadn’t even expected push back. “What if I don’t want to stop, Oikawa? What did I do anyways?”

“You didn’t do anything. You don’t get a say in this because there’s no middle ground here. You don’t wanna stop and I do. There’s no compromise there.” The sprinkle of rain from before was turning to a steady but light drizzle, but both were too far gone to really notice it.

_I'm not a piece of cake for you to just discard_

Iwaizumi took a step towards Oikawa but he moved back. “It’s what’s best for both of us, okay?”

_While you walk away with the frosting of my heart_

“Why do you get to decide what’s best for the both of us huh? Think you’re that great?”

_So I'm taking back what's mine, you'll miss_

_The slice of heaven that I gave to you last night_

“I get to decide what’s best because you’re fucking dense and the fact that we’re still having this conversation proves that.” He hadn’t noticed how close Iwaizumi had gotten till now. They were practically chest to chest and Oikawa could see how the rain drops clumped his lashes and his heart twisted again. He looks away and goes to move back, attempting to create distance by putting up his arms, when strong hands grip his wrists. 

“You don’t get to run away Oikawa. We weren’t done talking yet.”

”Yes! We are! We’re _done_. Now let me go.” He felt the grip on his wrists get tighter.

”No. You may be team captain but this isn’t volleyball. You don’t get to make all the decisions here.”

“Voll- _Of course_ I know this isn’t volleyball you brute but you seem to be forgetting it takes two to tango and I’m _tired_ of this dance. Find someone else to be your partner with this. I’ll keep being your captain, your setter and your best friend but I am _not_ being your booty call anymore!” Their eyes meet as thunder claps loudly overhead. Rain pours heavily over the two of them. Lighting dances in the dark sky, highlighting Oikawa’s features. Pain-filled eyes glisten with tears that began streaming down his cheeks and mix with the rain. Iwaizumi’s face softens as he notices the tears and his on Oikawa’s wrists grip loosens. Iwaizumi goes to reach out to wipe the tears away when Oikawa flinches back. “Don’t. Please don’t touch me.” He begins to pull away when Iwaizumi gently tugs him back.

”Oikawa–“ He starts softly.

”No. I already told you, no.”

” _Tooru–_ ” This time when Iwaizumi speaks, it’s rough. Bitter.

”No! Don’t fucking ‘Tooru’ me and _you_ listen to _me_. I’m not your play thing and I’m _done._ ”

”I’m not.”

”You treat me like I’m disposable! When we fucking hook up you treat me like I’m disposable! You call me indispensable and valuable when it comes to volleyball, you say there’s no one you rather have as a partner, but you don’t act like it and you don’t treat me like it. So _you_ listen Hajime...”

**If I am just a piece of cake**

_I am just a piece of cake (cake)_

**Then, you're just a piece of meat**

**You're just a piece of meat to me**

**I'm not a piece of cake for you to just discard**

**While you walk away with the frosting of my heart**

**So I'm taking back what's mine, you'll miss**

**The slice of heaven that I gave to you last night**

“Don’t fucking talk to me again.” Oikawa pulls his arm from Iwaizumi’s grip and stormed away; leaving a shell shocked Iwaizumi standing in the pouring rain in the park, alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn’t too terrible...  
> No happy ending <3 sorry. Do note that this is part of series though !! So maybe one in the future
> 
> I’m probably going to edit this chapter too at some point

**Author's Note:**

> This is so poorly written I’m probably gonna come back and make several edits of not rewrite the whole thing <3 I originally wrote this on a discord server


End file.
